What Do I Really Know?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Love Rant

I hate love I think sometimes it's the worse thing you can ever feel or maybe that's just me ranting right now. I just hate the fact that you can love someone so much and put your all into that person but for some reason they can't reciprocate those same feelings for you. Then sometimes you have a case when they reciprocate the feelings back but they are too afraid to admit that they love you. Why is it so hard for people just to be themselves and fuck what the family says and their friends and what the rest of society has to say. Why is so hard for mutha fucka's to be genuine. Why do they have to make things so fucking hard. Why do they make you love them then make it hard for you to continue to do so.

I've been seeing this guy for maybe two years now. It started out weird and then we ended up as friends and later realized we both had feelings for each other. I personally knew it was a bad idea to begin with but I pursued it anyway because this man had a way of making me feel like I had never felt before in my life. He made me smile this crazy stupid kool aid grin on my face every moment i was with him. He kept me laughing and we just shared some great times together. Before I knew it I was in love.

I never hid the way i felt about him and he never hid his feelings towards me. I wanted a relationship but he said he didn't. That's where the real problem started. You see he wanted every part of a relationship except the relationship which honestly just pissed me off. I got away from him and this strange situation we had created. I had to stop loving this man cause it was beginning to be unbearable to me. Somehow he pulled me back in though I can't resist him...shit I still can't.

Now he has a girlfriend who is saving herself for marriage and he keeps pursuing me. I'm at the point where I can't date anyone else seriously because they don't measure up to him. I don't even try to compare but for some reason i think he would do or say this . I love him. I love him I love him. I love him

I hate love sometimes I really do.

posted by 4GOTTEN1 @ 1:31 PM 4 comments

Monday, April 20, 2009

"Youth Is wasted on the young"

As a child life is so much more simple well at least growing up like I did life was so much more simple. The only thing I had to do was clean the house and go to school. I never worried about a bill being paid or grocery shopping or anything on my end. All I wanted though was to be an adult. I couldn't wait until i got to the point where no one could tell me anything or make me do what they wanted me to do. I couldn't wait until I was free. Now reflecting back I see just how wrong I was because back then I was free. Free to do anything I wanted to be anyone I wanted. There is a quote by George Bernard Shaw that states "Youth is wasted on the young." The first time I ever came across this I was thinking that it didn't make much sense now i realie it makes perfect sense. When we are young most of us don't realize our potential or what it is that we can become but as we get older we realize it all. At the ripe age of 24 I feel like my life is passing me by and I can't stop it. I feel like a failure to be honest. It's ridiculous that i feel that way thought cause i'm doing what I thought I wanted to do. Guess I'm just never satisfied. I'm just tired of my youth being wasted though.

Labels: fear, growth, youth

posted by 4GOTTEN1 @ 6:15 PM 4 comments

Thursday, April 09, 2009

JUST ONE CALL!!!!!!

It was a good night we partied hard the music was pumping the liquor was strong and we didn't have one real care in the world at that moment. Shit we were all on point sexy as fuck enjoying the night wishing it never had to end. For the first time in a long time it was good for all of us. As we were heading back to the car "J" got a phone call something so unexpected especially on a night like tonight. All I can here is "J" screaming "Quit fucking playing with me man how when are you sure." As we approached the car i saw the tears from his eyes rolling down his cheeks. What's wrong man what happend... not know what happend expecting maybe the death of a loved one. I wasn't prepared for what came out next. "It was my Ex he told me..he just called me and told me he just tested positive for H.I.V. and I should go get tested. We finished the ride home in silence not knowing what to say
I stayed the night with him not sure how he would react when the alcohol really wore off and he had to face this.
The next morning we went to his doctor's office to get blood work done because he didn't trust just the normal mouth swab.
A few days later he got the results that changed his life forever..."J" was indeed positive.
There was nothing i could do to console him so i just sat there and held my friend as he cried. Damn what next.

Labels: H.I.V., Love, phone call. friendship, sex